by Ejay Moore
She was held together by her mama’s prayers
and her baby’s smile
Her grandmother’s ashes traced a heart over her heart
as if fortifying it
The chants of her ancestors
wove a beautiful tapestry
of songs & poems
& tales of wild women who run
Her daddy’s hair weaved through her own
like spider webs covering a dogwood tree
That was all she had of him
She was held together by hymns hummed
and Psalms remembered
Held together by the love of a man who was gone
Held together by dreams for her
Held together by elevated expectations
of what it meant to be –
somebody’s role model
All the time she looked so
She was actually
I’m currently sitting in one of the worst depressions of my life. The only time it was worse was when the love of my life made his transition. Feeling depression is exhausting. It’s mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically draining. It sucks. I’ve cried. A LOT. I mean, like every day for about the last two months, I’ve cried at least once. Some days, I went for a record and cried 6 or 7 times.
I have felt/thought some combination of the following daily:
- Nobody cares that I’m depressed. (Why hasn’t anyone called to check on me?)
- I feel hopeless. (This will never end.)
- I feel helpless. (Why can’t I just get over it?)
- I feel stupid. (Why aren’t the positive thinking/meditation/prayer exercises working for me?)
I made it my business to catalog all the ‘reasons’ to jump in front of a speeding train right now (they are not REAL, only in my sad, mushy little brain):
- no job
- facing possible eviction
- facing possible car repossession
- no health insurance to seek mental health care
- no healthy romantic relationship
- physical health challenges
- up to my eyeballs in debt
- anxiety of epic proportions
- not feeling ANY passion at all for anything at all (including my newly formed non profit)
I’m sure there are more, it’s just hard to write, think and cry simultaneously. Like I said, it sucks.
My reason for NOT flinging myself headlong into that same train is a simple and selfish one.
“I got shit to do.”
That’s it. Pure and simple. For me, choosing to live through this depression is about serving my purpose. My purpose is to help people, women and girls of color in particular through my art. I know that on the other side of the triple decker crap sandwich that is my life (right now) lies a beautiful little gem call ‘wisdom’. We gain wisdom through our survivals. I believe that. I’ve survived quite a bit and this experience will only add to my collection of war stories. So far, I’ve been stronger than every vile, dark thing that came for me and this is no different. If I have to cry a bucket of tears every day just to be around to make a positive difference in ONE person’s life, then pass the tissues and look away (I cry ugly, LOL).
“Weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.” – Psalm 30:5
I’ll be okay. If you’re reading this and can relate, I hope you’ll be okay, too. Listen, “We got shit to do!” The world needs our gifts.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1 800 273 8255
Several months ago, I started a not for profit organization called ‘Our Lady of Perpetual Beauty‘. This organization was born of a simple (yet powerful) purpose: To uplift, encourage and empower women and girls through guided creative expression. I strongly believe that art is my ministry. We all have one. That thing we do as only we can that helps, shapes and changes the world and those around us. That’s your ministry. What is yours? Have you even thought about it? It’s okay, when it’s time for you to step into it, you’ll know. It may not necessarily be an easy transition, but it’ll be worth it to bring your gifts to the world.
When I started OLPB, I had a full-time job with benefits, making a decent salary. I was trying to work my organization and my job and not making much headway on the former. I wrote in my journal one day, “I can’t work on my organization if I’m working at Michaels full-time.” A few days later, I lost my job. Shit! I wasn’t expecting that! AND, I kind of asked for it, huh? Absolutely, 100% YES, I did. We ALWAYS get what we ask for. Now, between me, you and the lamppost, I would have preferred a kinder, gentler transition from job to NO JOB, lol. But it is what it is. I asked and I received.
Since transitioning from unemployed to self-employed, I’ve had some MAJOR struggles with fear and doubt AND I’m still plugging along. I’ve had struggles, and I’ve also had victories. I have clients lined up for the summer which is fantastic! How am I gonna pay my bills until then? No idea. I can’t focus on that, though. I have to freak out, cry, curse (a lot of cursing) and keep it moving. I have a ministry to run.
If I can help one little girl or one woman see and celebrate the power, purpose and beauty she possesses, then, it’s all been worth it. Namaste`
If you’d like to make a donation to Our Lady of Perpetual Beauty, you may do so at https://igg.me/at/TyUpkFoA6gs . Thank you in advance.
I am taking my own advice and ‘doing better’. I allowed my blog to lag horribly and I plan to write (get it?) that wrong starting NOW. This is the first of many new blog posts by me this year. I look forward to sharing my triumphs and challenges with you all this year as life has become pretty interesting for me as of late. I’m up to it, though. I hope that I can inspire you, encourage you, educate you and empower you to “DO BETTER”.
In Peace & Love