Tag Archives: meltdown

No Time For Suicide

Standard

joyclouds

I’m currently sitting in one of the worst depressions of my life.  The only time it was worse was when the love of my life made his transition.  Feeling depression is exhausting.  It’s mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically draining.  It sucks. I’ve cried. A LOT. I mean, like every day for about the last two months, I’ve cried at least once.  Some days, I went for a record and cried 6 or 7 times.

I have felt/thought some combination of the following daily:

  • Nobody cares that I’m depressed. (Why hasn’t anyone called to check on me?)
  • I feel hopeless. (This will never end.)
  • I feel helpless. (Why can’t I just get over it?)
  • I feel stupid. (Why aren’t the positive thinking/meditation/prayer exercises working for me?)

I made it my business to catalog all the ‘reasons’ to jump in front of a speeding train right now (they are not REAL, only in my sad, mushy little brain):

  • no job
  • facing possible eviction
  • facing possible car repossession
  • no health insurance to seek mental health care
  • no healthy romantic relationship
  • physical health challenges
  • up to my eyeballs in debt
  • anxiety of epic proportions
  • not feeling ANY passion at all for anything at all (including my newly formed non profit)

I’m sure there are more, it’s just hard to write, think and cry simultaneously.  Like I said, it sucks.

My reason for NOT flinging myself headlong into that same train is a simple and selfish one.

“I got shit to do.”

That’s it. Pure and simple.  For me, choosing to live through this depression is about serving my purpose. My purpose is to help people, women and girls of color in particular through my art.  I know that on the other side of the triple decker crap sandwich that is my life (right now) lies a beautiful little gem call ‘wisdom’.  We gain wisdom through our survivals.  I believe that.  I’ve survived quite a bit and this experience will only add to my collection of war stories.  So far, I’ve been stronger than every vile, dark thing that came for me and this is no different.  If I have to cry a bucket of tears every day just to be around to make a positive difference in ONE person’s life, then pass the tissues and look away (I cry ugly, LOL).

“Weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.” – Psalm 30:5

I’ll be okay.  If you’re reading this and can relate, I  hope you’ll be okay, too.  Listen, “We got shit to do!” The world needs our gifts.

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1 800 273 8255

 

Advertisements

Lean

Standard

tuliplightIt can be a challenge to remember to lean towards the light when things are not going well.  I have a tendency to go to ‘OMG, what am I gonna do??!’ before I chill out and lean towards the light- the Light being a more positive mindset, way of thinking or attitude in general.  It’s easy to get caught up in the muddy darkness of negativity and let it hold sway over you.  I know, I still do it from time to time.  If you can remember that there IS something better and just let your mind rest there, even if only for 60 seconds if that’s all you can muster. Do it.  Just let the light shine on your face for a moment.  Stand outside in the sun for a minute.  Listen to a favorite song.  Read a loved spiritual text.  Lean towards the light, friends.  

 

 

Twitter: @EjayMooreArt

Resistance vs. Persistence

Standard

*this was previously shared as a note on Facebook by me*

I’ve been fasting since August 1 – sort of. lol  I started out really good, sticking to it, drinking only my green smoothies and holy basil tea. And then, last weekend, I fell off the wagon and I fell HARD! lol  I ate Chinese food and barbecued chicken legs and guess what? Come Monday morning, I was sick as a dog! There are always consequences, always.

This fast has been about more than just refraining from eating junk food and releasing excess fat (both of which I’ve done, by the way). No, this fast has been about that word that makes us all a little uncomfortable: C H A N G E.   In conjunction with the fast, I’ve also been meditating daily and just being more mindful in general. That’s a lot of change and my ego is fighting me every step of the way.  It’s my ego (not my sister, who I blamed jokingly) who talked me into eating that Chinese food when I knew I didn’t want it and knew it would make me sick. I knew it and I ate it anyway. I was telling a dear friend earlier tonight, “As the fork was on its way to my mouth, I heard a voice very clearly say, ‘Why are you eating this? You don’t want it.'” And yet, I ate it anyway.  My ego had won, seemingly.

I started to believe that I was not capable of changing a lifetime of poor eating habits, that meditating every day is not something for me (yeah, my ego talked me into going back to sleep a couple of mornings when I knew I would rather be meditating) and that trying to change my life at this stage in the game was next to impossible.  Oh, the things the ego will convince you of – if you listen.

I was writing in my journal one morning, lamenting the struggles I was having staying on task and keeping my promises to myself.  I wondered out loud (on paper, too): ‘Why can’t I stick to this?’ The answer I got made a lot of sense: ‘Because it’s working.’ Upon further reflection on that statement, it occurred to me that resistance can only be conquered by persistence.

The more resistance I encounter, the closer I am to my goal of change.  Resistance can only be conquered by persistence. 

So, my friends, I say unto you: Move through it!  If you are led to do something that will improve your life and then feel resistance to doing that thing, DO IT anyway!! Do it! Even if you have to start over (new diet, no cursing, no negativity, whatever your big change is) even if you have to start over, start over. Take every day as ONE day. If you make it through Day 1 of the change, celebrate it. If you don’t make it through Day 1 of the change, celebrate that too, because it means it was working. Celebrate it and start over as many times as you need to.

Resistance can only be conquered by persistence.

In Peace & Persistence,

Ejay

Freaking Out!!

Standard

*this was previously shared as a note on Facebook by me*

Yesterday was a BAD day in Ejay’s world. Whew! I told my mom this morning that I was wondering why the Universe was pissing on my head. lol She thought that was funny, but it’s how I felt – YESTERDAY.  Today is a new day. The problems that existed yesterday still exist, but just to change things up a bit, I’m gonna focus on what is RIGHT in my life today.

I am relatively healthy in body, mind and spirit.  There are people around who genuinely care about my well-being.  I have arguably the best daughter on Earth.  I would like to think that I contribute more to society than I take from it.   I have creative abilities.  I’m fairly intelligent.  I live in a neighborhood where I feel safe.  I have food to eat, clothing and a roof over my head.  I have vast amounts (probably too much) of technology at my fingertips at any given time. I live in America (which means more on some days than it does on others).  I am free.  I am loved.  I am.  And for all these things and a myriad of others, I am truly grateful.

That being said, it’s okay to freak the f&%# out sometimes, too.  I mean, life ain’t always rainbows and unicorns. Sometimes, it sucks, for real for real. lol  In those moments of monumental suckage, I allow myself to have a good old-fashioned, ‘why does God hate me?’ style freak out.  And my freak-outs are legendary. lol I want to throw all my canvases (painted and unpainted) in the dumpster. I want to throw my camera dramatically to the sidewalk and watch it shatter. I want to give away all my paints and brushes and other materials of an artist. Basically, I lose my damn mind. lol

And THEN. It’s over.  The release of pent-up frustrations allows better energy to flow.  Respect the freak out, man. Respect it. Embrace it. Let it go.