Tag Archives: recover

No Time For Suicide

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joyclouds

I’m currently sitting in one of the worst depressions of my life.  The only time it was worse was when the love of my life made his transition.  Feeling depression is exhausting.  It’s mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically draining.  It sucks. I’ve cried. A LOT. I mean, like every day for about the last two months, I’ve cried at least once.  Some days, I went for a record and cried 6 or 7 times.

I have felt/thought some combination of the following daily:

  • Nobody cares that I’m depressed. (Why hasn’t anyone called to check on me?)
  • I feel hopeless. (This will never end.)
  • I feel helpless. (Why can’t I just get over it?)
  • I feel stupid. (Why aren’t the positive thinking/meditation/prayer exercises working for me?)

I made it my business to catalog all the ‘reasons’ to jump in front of a speeding train right now (they are not REAL, only in my sad, mushy little brain):

  • no job
  • facing possible eviction
  • facing possible car repossession
  • no health insurance to seek mental health care
  • no healthy romantic relationship
  • physical health challenges
  • up to my eyeballs in debt
  • anxiety of epic proportions
  • not feeling ANY passion at all for anything at all (including my newly formed non profit)

I’m sure there are more, it’s just hard to write, think and cry simultaneously.  Like I said, it sucks.

My reason for NOT flinging myself headlong into that same train is a simple and selfish one.

“I got shit to do.”

That’s it. Pure and simple.  For me, choosing to live through this depression is about serving my purpose. My purpose is to help people, women and girls of color in particular through my art.  I know that on the other side of the triple decker crap sandwich that is my life (right now) lies a beautiful little gem call ‘wisdom’.  We gain wisdom through our survivals.  I believe that.  I’ve survived quite a bit and this experience will only add to my collection of war stories.  So far, I’ve been stronger than every vile, dark thing that came for me and this is no different.  If I have to cry a bucket of tears every day just to be around to make a positive difference in ONE person’s life, then pass the tissues and look away (I cry ugly, LOL).

“Weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.” – Psalm 30:5

I’ll be okay.  If you’re reading this and can relate, I  hope you’ll be okay, too.  Listen, “We got shit to do!” The world needs our gifts.

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1 800 273 8255

 

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Letter to the Lost

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DSCF4842Dear One,

I know your heart is broken right now.  Losing a loved one is a horrible thing.  I’ve been there.  Please take these words as intended – as a love letter to you from me and a guarantee that it will get better.

You will cry and cry and cry and cry.  You will curse/question your religious/spiritual beliefs.  You will be angry.  You will be angry with your loved one (“How could you leave me?”).  You will be angry with yourself (“What could I have done to prevent it?”)  You will regret the things you said that you shouldn’t have and have even more regret for the things you should have said and didn’t.  You will cry.

You will wonder how the world could be so insensitive as to keep going when you are rapidly descending into a dark, dark hole.  Don’t they know you’re suffering?? Don’t they know you’re barely able to put one foot in front of the other?  How dare they laugh and live and love.  Rude bastards!  I know, I’ve been there.

People who love you will offer what they think are comforting words.  At some point (probably more than once) you will want to tell them to shut the fuck up.  You won’t want to hear ‘Oh, you’re young, you’ll meet somebody else’ or ‘Maybe it was God’s will’ or ‘You’ll be okay.’  They will say those things because they don’t know what else to say.  They will feel lost too, Dear One.  Try to find some solace in the intention of their words, if not the words themselves.  They love you.

You will cry some more.  Every time your senses remind you of him/her, you will cry.  It will hurt like hell, that’s the truth of it.  You will want to numb yourself with whatever your drug of choice – food, sex, isolation, actual drugs.  I would lovingly ask you to be careful on the numbing route.  It may seem like a quick fix to the hell in which you’re residing, but it presents its own share of problems.

You will cry.  Then, one day, it won’t hurt as much as it did the day before.  One day, you’ll be able to say his/her name and not melt into a puddle of your own tears.  One day, you will only remember the love, the laughter and the good times you shared.  One day, you will be okay.

You might always miss them, but you won’t always mourn them.  Life does go on, Dear One and you deserve to live, laugh and love again.

In Peace,

Ejay

 

Twitter:@EjayMooreArt