Tag Archives: spiritual

No Time For Suicide

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I’m currently sitting in one of the worst depressions of my life.  The only time it was worse was when the love of my life made his transition.  Feeling depression is exhausting.  It’s mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically draining.  It sucks. I’ve cried. A LOT. I mean, like every day for about the last two months, I’ve cried at least once.  Some days, I went for a record and cried 6 or 7 times.

I have felt/thought some combination of the following daily:

  • Nobody cares that I’m depressed. (Why hasn’t anyone called to check on me?)
  • I feel hopeless. (This will never end.)
  • I feel helpless. (Why can’t I just get over it?)
  • I feel stupid. (Why aren’t the positive thinking/meditation/prayer exercises working for me?)

I made it my business to catalog all the ‘reasons’ to jump in front of a speeding train right now (they are not REAL, only in my sad, mushy little brain):

  • no job
  • facing possible eviction
  • facing possible car repossession
  • no health insurance to seek mental health care
  • no healthy romantic relationship
  • physical health challenges
  • up to my eyeballs in debt
  • anxiety of epic proportions
  • not feeling ANY passion at all for anything at all (including my newly formed non profit)

I’m sure there are more, it’s just hard to write, think and cry simultaneously.  Like I said, it sucks.

My reason for NOT flinging myself headlong into that same train is a simple and selfish one.

“I got shit to do.”

That’s it. Pure and simple.  For me, choosing to live through this depression is about serving my purpose. My purpose is to help people, women and girls of color in particular through my art.  I know that on the other side of the triple decker crap sandwich that is my life (right now) lies a beautiful little gem call ‘wisdom’.  We gain wisdom through our survivals.  I believe that.  I’ve survived quite a bit and this experience will only add to my collection of war stories.  So far, I’ve been stronger than every vile, dark thing that came for me and this is no different.  If I have to cry a bucket of tears every day just to be around to make a positive difference in ONE person’s life, then pass the tissues and look away (I cry ugly, LOL).

“Weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.” – Psalm 30:5

I’ll be okay.  If you’re reading this and can relate, I  hope you’ll be okay, too.  Listen, “We got shit to do!” The world needs our gifts.

 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1 800 273 8255

 

Our Lady of Perpetual Beauty

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Several months ago, I started a not for profit organization called ‘Our Lady of Perpetual Beauty‘. This organization was born of a simple (yet powerful) purpose: To uplift, encourage and empower women and girls through guided creative expression.  I strongly believe that art is my ministry.  We all have one.  That thing we do as only we can that helps, shapes and changes the world and those around us.  That’s your ministry.  What is yours? Have you even thought about it?  It’s okay, when it’s time for you to step into it, you’ll know.  It may not necessarily be an easy transition, but it’ll be worth it to bring your gifts to the world.

When I started OLPB, I had a full-time job with benefits, making a decent salary.  I was trying to work my organization and my job and not making much headway on the former.  I wrote in my journal one day, “I can’t work on my organization if I’m working at Michaels full-time.”  A few days later, I lost my job.  Shit! I wasn’t expecting that! AND, I kind of asked for it, huh? Absolutely, 100% YES, I did.  We ALWAYS get what we ask for.  Now, between me, you and the lamppost, I would have preferred a kinder, gentler transition from job to NO JOB, lol.  But it is what it is.  I asked and I received.

Since transitioning from unemployed to self-employed, I’ve had some MAJOR struggles with fear and doubt AND I’m still plugging along.  I’ve had struggles, and I’ve also had victories.  I have clients lined up for the summer which is fantastic! How am I gonna pay my bills until then? No idea.  I can’t focus on that, though.  I have to freak out, cry, curse (a lot of cursing) and keep it moving.  I have a ministry to run.

If I can help one little girl or one woman see and celebrate the power, purpose and beauty she possesses, then, it’s all been worth it.  Namaste`

 

 

If you’d like to make a donation to Our Lady of Perpetual Beauty, you may do so at https://igg.me/at/TyUpkFoA6gs .  Thank you in advance.

Happy New Year!

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Do Better

I am taking my own advice and ‘doing better’.  I allowed my blog to lag horribly and I plan to write (get it?) that wrong starting NOW.  This is the first of many new blog posts by me this year.  I look forward to sharing my triumphs and challenges with you all this year as life has become pretty interesting for me as of late.  I’m up to it, though.  I hope that I can inspire you, encourage you, educate you and empower you to “DO BETTER”.

 

In Peace & Love

Ejay!

 

Twitter: @EJAYMOOREART

Only Love

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Since the last time I published this blog a lot has happened in the world! A LOT!! I can’t cover everything, so let’s just focus on the last few months.

There have been a disturbing number of assaults, abuses and even murders of unarmed Black men and women at the hands of law enforcement officials lately. Protests sprang up around the country.  This country’s painful racial wounds have been laid bare once again.  “You cannot ERASE what you will not FACE.” -Ejay Moore  9 people were gunned down in an historically significant Black church.  The kkk has a rally planned for South Carolina and Southerners are holding on to the Confederate flag for dear life. Black churches are being set ablaze across the South.  The President used the ‘n’ word in a podcast interview to make a point.  The Voting Rights Act was struck down because ‘we live in a post-racial America’, even as states tried to figure out ways to further distance black and brown voters. Yeah, our ugliness has really been showing as of late.  Ugly. Ugly. Ugly.

Now, you may be saying, “What gives, Ejay Moore? Why is this post titled ‘Only Love’ and all you’re talking about is the opposite?”  Well, dear reader, I’m getting to it.

One morning, I was feeling particularly hurt and angry about all the racist tomfoolery going on in our country and I made the mistake of going to the grocery store.  Let me explain.  I (thankfully) live in an ethnically diverse neighborhood. I have neighbors from all backgrounds, races, faiths, yadda yadda yadda.  Normally, this is not a problem for me at all. However, this particular day, I was really feeling kinda raw about the whole race ‘thing’.  I was irritated with every white person I encountered that morning.  All these hateful thoughts about ‘them’ ran through my mind at every turn.  Now, INTELLECTUALLY and SPIRITUALLY I knew that these specific white people had not done a single thing to incur my wrath.  I had not seen the lady reaching over me to get to the yogurt on Fox News spewing hate speech.  No, she was just a lady trying to get to her Greek yogurt. She smiled and said, ‘Excuse me’ and that irritated me even more.  As I said, intellectually and spiritually I knew she did nothing wrong, but EMOTIONALLY I was all fucked up about her even being there. Like how dare she be out shopping and being happy when Black folks are dying in the streets like dogs? Look, I know how crazy it sounds.  I’m being honest about it.  So, I finished what arguably was the strangest, most emotional grocery shopping of my life and got the hell out of there.

After I loaded my purchases into my car, I sat there for a minute and very clearly, I mean, VERY CLEARLY I heard, ‘There is only love, Ejay.’  I was not in the heart space to take in that message at that time, but it just replayed over and over in my head like the chorus of ‘Shake it Off’ by Taylor Swift (now you’ve got that playing in your head, don’t you? lol).  ‘There is only love, Ejay.’  Over and over it repeated until I really got it and felt it.  Once I allowed myself to feel that statement, I got the intuitive hit to take as many pictures of the word ‘LOVE’ as I could and pair them with the hashtag ONLYLOVE.  One of my favorite quotes by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is below.

“Hate cannot drive out hate; ONLY LOVE can do that.”

So, I’m going to use my space on the Internet to promote LOVE and only LOVE.  Does that mean I won’t get pissed off at the failings of my government, myself and my fellow Americans? Nope, it just means I’m going to post love more than ‘other’.  Only Love, y’all. Only love.

 

Twitter:@EjayMooreArt

#onlyLOVE