Fuck. Fear.
This is my personal mantra for 2020. Most of my life has been marred by fear. From the first time someone I trusted molested me until now, fear alone has driven most of my decisions. Following that horrible encounter, there was fear it would happen again (it did), fear no one would believe me (they didn’t) and fear it would get worse (it did) and on and on. I was preyed upon by more than one predator, all of whom were “trusted” by my family, except for the complete stranger who abducted and molested me in an alleyway in Chicago when I was only 5 or 6 years old. My fear of strangers was born out of that event; I couldn’t trust people I knew or those I didn’t.
The world seemed like a mean, evil place to the little girl I was. I was always afraid. Growing up, I was afraid of the dark because the dark was not safe. Darkness meant “they” could sneak around and do shit they knew they shouldn’t to a scared child. I sucked my thumb and wet the bed much longer than considered ‘normal’, my little girl mind couldn’t process all the terrible things happening to and around me. I was a fucking wreck of a kid and fear was a constant companion.
To make matters worse, with a new step-father came new fears. He wasn’t a child molester, he instead beat the shit out of me, my mother and brother. Just because he could. He brought the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, which might get you punched or in my case, hit in the mouth so hard your two front teeth are shattered. Fear kept my mom from taking me to the doctor after that attack; fear of him and fear of what the authorities might do. Fear was everywhere around me, running my life from childhood into adulthood. My body is constantly in a state of fight or flight, tensed and waiting for the “other shoe to drop” except when I’m asleep. It’s a fucked up way to live and I’m tired of it.
I’m currently working with a mental health therapist and psychiatrist to confront and release some of my fears, both rational and irrational. It won’t be easy, pretty or quick, but I deserve it. I deserve a life free of the urge to jump out of my skin at every noise, every dark room, every raised voice and every stranger.
I CAN be brave. I CAN stand my ground. I CAN speak up for myself. Admitting that I needed help from mental health professionals was a brave thing to do. Seeking those professionals out was brave. Continuing to show up for myself and taking advantage of all the resources available to me is BRAVE. I’m going to be okay. So, yeah…
FUCK FEAR.
theredlollipop 