I’m currently sitting in one of the worst depressions of my life. The only time it was worse was when the love of my life made his transition. Feeling depression is exhausting. It’s mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically draining. It sucks. I’ve cried. A LOT. I mean, like every day for about the last two months, I’ve cried at least once. Some days, I went for a record and cried 6 or 7 times.
I have felt/thought some combination of the following daily:
- Nobody cares that I’m depressed. (Why hasn’t anyone called to check on me?)
- I feel hopeless. (This will never end.)
- I feel helpless. (Why can’t I just get over it?)
- I feel stupid. (Why aren’t the positive thinking/meditation/prayer exercises working for me?)
I made it my business to catalog all the ‘reasons’ to jump in front of a speeding train right now (they are not REAL, only in my sad, mushy little brain):
- no job
- facing possible eviction
- facing possible car repossession
- no health insurance to seek mental health care
- no healthy romantic relationship
- physical health challenges
- up to my eyeballs in debt
- anxiety of epic proportions
- not feeling ANY passion at all for anything at all (including my newly formed non profit)
I’m sure there are more, it’s just hard to write, think and cry simultaneously. Like I said, it sucks.
My reason for NOT flinging myself headlong into that same train is a simple and selfish one.
“I got shit to do.”
That’s it. Pure and simple. For me, choosing to live through this depression is about serving my purpose. My purpose is to help people, women and girls of color in particular through my art. I know that on the other side of the triple decker crap sandwich that is my life (right now) lies a beautiful little gem call ‘wisdom’. We gain wisdom through our survivals. I believe that. I’ve survived quite a bit and this experience will only add to my collection of war stories. So far, I’ve been stronger than every vile, dark thing that came for me and this is no different. If I have to cry a bucket of tears every day just to be around to make a positive difference in ONE person’s life, then pass the tissues and look away (I cry ugly, LOL).
“Weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.” – Psalm 30:5
I’ll be okay. If you’re reading this and can relate, I hope you’ll be okay, too. Listen, “We got shit to do!” The world needs our gifts.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1 800 273 8255
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